Looking through some old posts on my LiveJournal I came across something interesting. First I realized that I used to write a lot. Mostly about girl “troubles” in High school, but writing none the less. Second I came across a post about photography. I was in school at PJC at the time, and was producing some great work. I had several friends in the photography program, and we pushed each other along to do better work.

It was nice to read about how much fun I was having, and to think about all the hours I spent in the labs and out shooting with my friends. The troubling part came when I paraphrased a statement by the photographer Richard Avedon. I had just watched a DVD about his work and he was fast becoming a favorite artist of mine.  I paraphrased him with something like this:

If I go a day without doing something related to Photography, I feel like a piece of my soul is unfulfilled.

After I read that I sat for several minutes. I then thought about just a few days ago Magan asking me a question that was in the same vein. I was looking at a new lens and she asked,”What are you going to shoot with it?”

I know exactly what she was asking. It was an innocent question, not intended to incite an argument. It was simply a question.  Maybe she asked it for the exact reason I interpreted it; What are you going to do with a lens and a camera that sit in a box for weeks at a time?

I feel like it’s easy to blame outside circumstances for my lack of work. I mean I’ve got a whole hat full of excuses. FAMU burned me out, I don’t have anyone to shoot with, I just bought a house, I’m going to be a father in a few months…the list goes on. All of these excuses are just that; excuses. I don’t produce work anymore because I’m flat out lazy. I’ve bought into the American Dream of sitting on the couch and watching HGtv until I can’t keep my eyes open.

Like I said before, my cameras sit in their cases unused for weeks. What kind of photographer does that? If a musician never plays their instrument can they call themselves that? What does it take for someone to call themselves an artist? I’m not sure the exact answer to that question, but I do know it takes more than I’ve been doing.

I have no more big revelation than I have reached a state of knowing. I know I’m unmotivated. I know I need to continue my passion. I know I can’t call myself a photographer if I don’t produce work. I know I need to change.

Beyond that knowing state, I don’t know what my next step will be. Logically this should be an awakening to get back in the swing of things. (And maybe it will) But my fear is that I will continue in my ways, and take pictures of my cat with thousands of dollars worth of equipment.